Welcome one and all to the official website for me, comedian (and inventor of yodeling cunnilingus) Chris Henry. Here you will find video clips, pictures, gig details, my blog and all sorts of other stuff that I feel the need to put on here, it’s the perfect site for either wasting five minutes or starting your career as my stalker!
That said, you’ll probably want to perv over my junk now, so enjoy the site and feel free to leave your comments!
Music sales have decreased for a 7th consecutive year and industry big wigs are citing that blame for this lies with illegal downloads. I would argue they should look closer to home; it is the greed of the industry itself that has caused the popularity of unlawful software.
Most of us have such a strong connection with the music we listen to that we place value in how it represents us a person. We accumulate our choices based on its connection with moments in our life, who it reminds us of, where we were, how it made us feel. A product of your peers/influences/experiences, every track purchased an expression of your individuality, a part of your history.
Yes, the rise of the mp3 player has the masses consolidating our collections to cold digital 1’s and 0’s, giving us access to every track
Here’s the deal, I’m bored on the train and was reading The Guardian and read that the Tories are to introduce new legislation which means when signing up to an internet provider we will have to answer in the positive that we would like to receive adult content.
That’s right, when you are signing up you’ll pretty much be asked,
Sales rep – “So sir, you’ve signed up for our biggest internet package, which will download music and movies so quickly that they’ll arrive on your computer before you’ve requested them. Internet so fast that it defies time. Now sir, with that sort of download speed, will you be planning on using the internet to have a wank?”
Me – “You’re damn fucking right I am!”
Hopefully the scenario will have you ticking a box on the application instead of being asked to your face, which is the less intrusive equivalent of hiding your condoms in with the rest of your shopping.
The proposed move is in response to 79% of female voters calling for better restrictions on the internet, due to the “bombarding of homes and children and spam to unprecedented degrees.”
These people make it sound like you can’t go on the internet without your eyes being assaulted by vaginas.
After waiting 10 weeks for my Empire subscription to arrive, I sent them the following email today, I will keep you posted on any response I get from them.
Hi there,
Being a bit of a geek and a giant movie fan, I’ve been reading Empire for years, loving both its candid reviews and tongue in cheek style.
On the 4th of July I received an email from Cineworld, as a holder of one of their Unlimited cards (told you, big movie geek) I was being offered a chance to receive a free copy of Empire, news that played both to my eternal cinematic lust and my stereotypical Scottish thriftiness.
I called the number provided (0845 286 3171) completely hiding my eagerness, I coolly asked the operator to take my details and send me my free copy. The operator, like an angel of generosity, instinctively sensed my glee at such an offer and presented me the chance to subscribe to the magazine, not at RRP, oh no, she seduced me with the bargain of the first 3 issues only costing me £1. £1???? That doesn’t even get you a double cheeseburger in McDonalds! How could I possibly refuse?
Wiping the drool from my phone and taking a seat before my legs gave way; I confessed my bank details to this saint. At this point, I was gone, lost in my fantasies of receiving Empire subscriber only covers, reading my issues knowing I had a bargain, reading it before average Joe, no longer queuing at WH Smiths and buying their confectionery for “a pound today”. This was the world I was soon to live in.
Whilst in this idyllic state of mind, the operator seized another opportunity to take advantage of my innocence and offer me the same £1 offer for three issues of FHM (a magazine for boys to look at nearly naked ladies without their mum thinking it’s porn) at the age of 33 and without presences of mind, I shamefully admit, I accepted this offer too.
I came off the phone smiling, thinking my day had been incredibly productive, made a cup of tea, some toast and blackcurrant jam and sat enjoying them whilst watching Back to the Future, then went about my life, patiently waiting for my magazines to arrive.
Two weeks passed and nothing arrived at my home. The postman seemed as perplexed as I was about the problem, apparently he had received nothing from you to give to me (he’s a very happy chap, always whistling, which makes me trust him). So I decided to call the number again and speak to the virtuous worker that had sold me my dreams.
This time however, the operator I spoke to was no light of hope spreading her joy in my ear, instead it seemed, that in the time since our last chat, life had broken her. I could hear the pain of unpaid bills in her voice, feel her craving to make it through to her next cigarette break and smell the stains of broken dreams emanating from her pours. “Yeah, we’ve had a few people call up about that, it can take a few weeks, we can’t even check your details ‘cause it’s on a different system.”
Not wanting to cause this poor woman any further pressure in her day, I accepted her words as truth, thanked her for her time, hung up the phone and went (again) about my life, patiently waiting for the whistling postman to deliver my delights.
Time passed, the seasons changed but my letter box was never fed a meal of Empire or FHM. So today (14/9/2011), I decided to burden the operator once more. She was quick to reiterate that “we don’t keep your details here, but I could give you a number to call Bauer Media and you can see if they have your details”, a relief to us both that we would never need to speak again. I then called the number (08451204600) and spoke to Amy, who asked me my name and address and cheerily informed me that there was no record of me on the system. How could this woman be so happy that my dream world had just been consumed in to a black hole with her words?
Amy told me that these details could often take 8 weeks to transfer (as we are at 10 weeks since my initial phone call, I assumed her talent for mathematics may have been partly the reason for her occupation in a call centre and her mean spirited destroying of dreams) but did tell me if I subscribed today, I could get the first three issues for £1, but the free issues was no longer available. I didn’t want to show my weakness on the phone, so said I would call back another time, hung up the call, and cried.
Drying my eyes and nose with Kleenex balsam tissues (they have aloe vera in them to prevent drying your skin) I decided to look at your website, in the hope I could subscribe there without speaking to another cruel hearted operator. Although movies have taught me never to trust machines, on this occasion I was willing to believe they couldn’t be worse than the humans. I never dreamed I could be so wrong.
Not only does your online subscription not offer the £1 deal, but if I subscribe online I get a free game for something called an Xbox or a Playstation. I am a simple movie fan, I don’t know what these games are, but the names of the consoles lead me to conclude they can only be for pornographic purposes.
Why would a movie fan be seduced to subscribe by offering them games? Surely it would be a much more logical carrot for the donkey, if you offered a movie related bounty for their subscription?
Anyway, I just wanted to inform you of my experiences and thoughts on this process and how it has affected me emotionally. I hope to hear back from someone in your establishment with an explanation on why I have never received anything from you and why you don’t offer cinema related gifts for online subscribers.
Yours sincerely,
Chris Henry
I got bored today, and decided to have some fun on twitter (twitter.com/MrChrisHenry) Just imagine the hilarity that ensued the day that the Starship Enterprise received its first batch of “sporks”
I think I might need to go outside for some fresh air, or spend time with “other” people.
Good day to you all, undoubtedly you are all excited about the forthcoming premier of Genderation X at the Magners Glasgow Comedy Festival (you and me both), so to keep you up date you should be aware that there have been some complications with the Classic Grand.
The full address for the show is now: The Garage, 490 Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow G2 3LW
Show time, ticket price etc will all stay the same and you can now purchase tickets by going straight to
http://www.ticketsoup.com/tickets/chris-henry-genderation-x-2011-12629/default.aspx?id=24
If you have already purchased tickets for the show, someone will be in touch with you tonight from ticket-soup. But just in case they don’t get a hold of you and your tickets have already arrived with “Classic Grand” printed on them, these will still be valid when you arrive at the Garage.
If you have any concerns about your tickets please don’t hesitate to contact me by emailing me@chris-henry.com or by contacting Ticketsoup directly.
I’m sure you understand that a change of venue at this late stage can be a little stressful as I want to make sure everyone is notified, I would hugely appreciate it if you could re-post the following link in to your facebook status
http://chris-henry.com/venue-change-for-genderation-x/
Thanks in advance and I’ll see you at the show.
I ordered some clothes from ASOS (a web based clothes retailer) a couple of weeks ago and noticed they had sent it to the wrong address. After sending them a few emails, to which I have received nothing but automated response, and failing to find a phone number on their website to contact ASOS directly, I spat my dummy out this morning and decided to send them this email.
Hi ASOS “Customer Care” Robot,
I have recently sent you a few emails to enquire when I can expect to receive my parcel, your replies thus far have had about as much clarity as an Alzheimer patients dinner plans, but since you have been so obliging with random answers I thought I’d drop you another email to see what your magic 8 ball said today.
As my previous emails have stated (I am sure you have now used these to line the litter tray for your delightful robocat) my parcel was sent by yourselves to an address, then on to a post office in Kingston upon Thames, with me living in Scotland it is proving a little difficult for me to collect.
Now I realise I am probably being lazy and should make the effort to complete the 840 mile round trip journey, therefore saving you any further inconvenience with my enquiry. But sadly I am in the process of watching my carbon footprint and would hope that as a “customer care” robot you see this as a logical lifestyle choice.
The ultimate solution is for my package to arrive at (home address here) at some point while the clothes are still fashionable, but since the order was due to arrive on the 17th of January, I am now running of the risk of them arriving and having no choice but to donate them to a museum for future generations to enjoy.
In the hope you will forward my email to a person that uses oxygen as a means of capitalising brain function, I would love to hear confirmation my enquiry is being dealt with and when in fact I can expect my delivery. Alternatively, one more role from your magic 8 ball may just be what I need to break my spirit, therefore ruining my carbon footprint and rampaging around the world not giving a damn about the future.
Kind regards,
Chris Henry
Happy 2011, I’ve always seen a new year being the catalyst for change. So in the interest of adjusting things to improve life for us all and instead of talking about my goals for losing weight, stopping smoking and drinking less (like they are actually going to happen) Here are two things that I would change, how we can all do them and a cheeky plug.
1 – Make Specsavers change their slogan.
I realise that the catchphrase is somewhat beguiling and have no doubt it has worked wonders in circulating and promoting the brand. But as a glasses/contacts wearer I am nearing the point of violence when I hear a squanderer-of-oxygen, chirp the words in their overly confident, yet monosyllabic tone.
Here’s a bunch of pics that sum up my favourite/exciting/notable events of 2010:
January First pic of the year, celebrating Hogmany witht the two Kev’s (Like the two Ronnies, but more grumpy than funny). First gig of the year with Des Clarke and the Wee Man at the Shed in Shawlands.
Febrary: Pic from a photo shoot with Kevin Gilmour. Then me at Club Noir’s Valentines Ball with Lyndsay Pagan and Julia Sutherland
March: Solo show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival and a nice chocolate bar that a lovely lady bought me. Oh and I started my really uncool obsession with getting my photo taken with anyone remotely celebrity that I saw (ft Lee Mack)
Just got home from ASDA and I’ve now officially got everything in for the big day.
It’s madness out there! I thought I’d developed the power of invisibility as respectable members of the community barged through me with their trollies. Sweet old ladies ducking and diving to jump one person in front of the queue while kids are being beaten like raw steak “for asking”!
But now, I’m home safe and away from the ninja-grannies, I’m getting all excited about the “arrival” of that big bearded bad-ass. I’m an unashamedly huge Christmas fan – mainly because it’s the one time of the year that I try to put my
Today is the last day of a very strange week, I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather, but I just seem to have ended up in really strange scenarios all week.
Tuesday night I hosted the new act night at the Stand. Great night all but for one thing. At new act nights, I work hard at the start to set the tone, ensuring that every act gets a fair chance and no one gets heckled. Only for one of the acts to mock me from the stage with a cheap jibe about “a guy that talks about sex that much can’t be a virgin”. But I suppose after he spent 5 minutes trying to do “clever” material on Saints, only to eventually get his first laugh when making a fat jibe about Michelle McManus, he must have realised that being cheap and childish was all he had to offer.
Wednesday I hosted a night at the Victoria bar in Glasgow. On arrival it seemed to be a nice pub, but as soon as the show started I realised I was looking at a room where 90% of the audience would have failed auditions for the Adams family on the grounds of being too scary. The whole night consisted of every act committing comedy suicide to a group of people
