A quick recap since the last proper blog, which fizzled out in July last year (with some minor burst of flatulent blogs since). What’s happened?

· Did my first ever solo show at the Edinburgh Fringe 2009 – Hi, my name’s Chris Henry

· Got a 5star review

· Picked up a stalker at the Fringe

· Blocked said stalker from all online social networking sites

· Became single

· Got to the Scottish Comedian of the year final

· Started compering a new act night at the Halt Bar in Glasgow on Tuesday nights

· Supported Jim Jeffries at the QMU

· Made Christmas dinner for the family

· “Lost the friends that I needed losing, found others on the way”

· Went full time at Stand Up

· Took “Hi, my name’s Chris Henry” to the Glasgow Comedy Festival 2010 and sold out

· Was a guest on BBC Radio Scotland

· Got to the Glasgow Final and Online “Advertise our Competition” heat of the Scottish Sun’s ironically named “Take the Mic” competition

· Figured out how to work Twitter (I think)

· Turned 32

· Found my new comedy home in London at the Comedy Cafe

So had quite a productive year, can’t believe I’ve not bothered gloating about any of this through the medium of blog. Well we shall correct that with anything that happens in the future.

Tomorrow, I’m hosting at the Halt bar, then Wednesday I’m through at the Fringe ’10 as part of the “Pointless Comedy Debate Show” and then “The Best of the Scottish Comedian of the Year” show, so no doubt I will have a few stories to tell of my travels and it’ll be more interesting than this round up of the year.

My natural instinc is to get as many votes as possible, getting myself in an Alpha state of mind, grrr, winner, must get prize, type thing. I’ve been constantly checking not just my votes on facebook and twitter, but checking my competitors too. Spying on their advertising, seeing which of our mutual friends have voted for them and not me (of which I remain silently indignant) all of which feels like a primitive drive and need to win.

On the other side of that, it’s now between me and 4 other comedians that are not just good at what they do, but they are all nice guys. All of them have a drive and passion to entertain audiences and do so succesfully every week. I’ve enjoyed a beer and a blether with them on frequent occasions. 2 of them have been partying with me till stupid o’clock in the morning on a number of drunken adventures.

If they had been strangers, maybe this wouldn’t be quite so weird, at least then they would just be evil bastards that are probably shit. But I like these guys, not only that, I respect what they do and enjoy their company. But here I am watching their votes like they are the enemy, cajoling our shared aquantences and trying to out do them for the sake of a massive prize and to get a leg up in my career. Sheesh, what a mind fuck!

Thank god the voting closes this Friday. Thanks for everyone that’s supported me so far.

The Scottish Sun are running a competition for comedians, where the overall winner could win £12,000 and loads of good press. So being the needy narcissist that wants to be the centre of attention, I’m gagging to win this!

I was pipped to the post at the heats in Glasgow, but there is one place in the final left, which relies on an online vote. This is where I need your help.

There are three ways to vote (doing all three will help me even more, this is where it gets complicated)

First is on twitter, (If you don’t have a twitter account, set one up) if you have an account copy and paste this in to your next tweet -

I’m voting for Chris Henry at @takethemic http://bit.ly/cOqPvm

The second and third way of voting are done on the take the mic website. So click on the link below, then go to the bottom of the page where it says VOTE.

Under the facebook logo, Click the “like” button (it should change colour, then change back)

Then click the “Take The Mic” logo, once you’ve done that, it should then thank you for your vote.

http://www.takethemic.net/comedians/29-chris-henry

If you have already voted, thank you for your support, would be amazing if you could spread the word and get your friends to vote too. Voting closes on Friday at 3pm.

Thanks again from your needy, dirty joke teller,

Chris

I’ve started writing this and suddenly realised that I have nothing particular to talk about, which is just not cool. I am on at highlight in Glasgow this weekend (was Jongleurs) so will be endeavouring to find new stories to write about. Oh and I almost forgot, I’ll be unveiling a new character on the 3^rd of June at Stockholm Syndrome, but can’t talk about that yet, doh, I’m so dull.

Right, I’m off to find something to talk about!

http://www.acadvertiser.co.uk/lanarkshire-news/local-news/monklands-news/2010/01/27/chris-henry-plays-it-for-laughs-at-glasgow-comedy-festival-65864-25688920/

The cheeky comedian from Coatbridge brings his show “Hi, my name’s Chris Henry” to Glasgow on the 20th of March 2010. The loveable misogynist will be treating you to his thoughts on  life that won him a place in the final of the Scottish Comedian of the year 2009 competition and a five star review at the Edinburgh Fringe.
 
Don’t be fooled by his blue eyes and dimples, underneath that cheeky exterior lurks a sharp and often shocking mind that is primed to entertain you with complete disregard for all that is PC. He will have you laughing at his dysfunctional family, pointless trips to the gym, views on religion, intimate and indecent memories of past “relationships” and much much more.

So if you want to experience the festival at grass roots level, book your tickets using this link: 
 
CLICK HERE

All the big, fancy folk from TV have sold out their shows – “Chris is the next best thing!” (Karen McKim, comedy enthusiast)

But what actually happened to me through 2009? Anyone close to me may have felt like they were being drawn in to an Eastenders story line vortex, but thanks to family, old friends and a few new ones I’m finishing the year on a high. So while I’m feeling more positive than Mark Fowlers tests results here is my year by numbers, going 10 to 1 pop pickers…

10 – The final 10

I got to Scottish comedian of the year final 10! Now to be fair, the nerves got the better of me, I was more flustered than a Jonas brother without his WWJD bracelet. The first few minutes of my set where as painful for me as they were for the 700 strong audience and my entire family (who rarely come to see me) which all resulted in me getting a vile review and very drunk after the show. But I still got to the final, which I think is pretty cool.

9 = 9 top people

At one point or another, all of them have been guilty of being awesome this year. Paul, John, Cassandra, Denise, Lyndsay, T, Claire, Kev, and me Mum, your support, banter and filth have kept me the right side of insanity!

8 – Ate cheese

I know ate=8 is a bad link but was struggling. After refusing to eat cheese my whole life I tried brie and like it. One day I might even be brave enough to eat at Heston Blumenthal restaurants, but then again I may keep a hold of my sanity and stay away from the FREAK!

7 –7 months

Due to losing two jobs and the job market being lower than Danni Minogues neck line, I was government supported for more than half the year, but now have a job that I like and balances well with comedy aspirations. In the words of Yoda, “Restored, balance is to the force!”

6 – 6 rotations

While I’ve done my share of weird gigs, my favourite one this year has to be doing the “Glasgow Underground Festival” in the summer. John, Kier, Jay and myself took it in turns to tell jokes on the underground trains whilst trying not to swear or get stabbed from the vagrants and neds. Highlights of the gig were me having an empty carriage for 3 stops, Kier being called an alcoholic by an 8 year old and John being told by a very young girl where she got her beaver, great day!

5 – 5 stars

Did my first ever solo show at the Edinburgh fringe and got a 5 star review for it, again thanks to all that came along to that, looking forward to my next solo show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival 20th march 2010 @ Capitol (PLUG PLUG PLUG)

4 – 4 years

Started speaking to my dad again for the first time in 4 years (it’s a long story, but this is progress)

3 – 3st

Lost nearly 3 stone over the year, which was mainly due to being unemployed and not having any food to eat, but it’s still an accomplishment. Although starting to put some back on now, so will need to start the poverty diet again.

2 – 2 down

Had two relationships finish in equally dramatic fashion, but thanks to them finishing I’ve ended up having possibly the best time of my life partying and meeting some pretty cool people.

1 – @ Number 1

It’s all about me, that’s right got my own website up and running thanks to my mate Kev Gilmour. www.chris-henry.com and it’s purple and pimp YAAAASSS

Well if you have managed to read to this bit without getting bored or killing yourself, thanks for reading my blogs this year, I will hopefully have a lot more crap ramblings for you to while away the minutes of 2010.

http://www.theskinny.co.uk/blog/9-the-dullest-blog/335-the-dullest-blog-comedy-ramblings-to-inpire-the-most-tedious-moment-of-your-week

Let me start by pointing out that I’m 31, single and have no kids, so when asked to write about “Family”, a broad grin spread across my face when I reminded myself that I don’t have one of my own.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a part of me that would love to settle down, have the house, the wife, the kids and the big dog (none of your yapping handbag accessory dogs, a proper dog that barks and eats postmen that rarely turn up).

But there are two main reasons I’m happy I don’t have the family unit (yet).

The first is all the near misses I’ve had. Settling down would be easy, if I was willing to overlook the small imperfections in past girlfriends, like them emigrating and not inviting me, sleeping with their ex boyfriends, or being clinically psychotic (making fun of Britney Spears is no reason to smash my iPod). If I’d reproduced with these girls, my life would be a constant prison, with perpetual reminders of how much money a good box of condoms could have saved me.

The second reason is the people that do have kids. I have some friends that beam like lightsabers when they are with or talk about their partner/kids, but they are rare. Most people that have settled down, got married, bought the house and had kids, have the same thing to say; ‘Can you get me a gun?’. When they say they’re happy, look deep in their eyes, you can see they are broken, like a part inside has died. Like their dreams have been packed in a half finished Ikea box and filed under ‘never speak of again’.

I will one day settle down but for me it’s all about finding the person that is going to put up with all your good and bad habits for the rest of your life, and you theirs. So for now, don’t feel sorry for this 30 something singleton, rejoice for his life is his own and he has not cracked under society’s pressure to conform. Celebrate the fact he’s not settled down with an angry-lunatic-munter that broke his spirit, milked his seed and spawned children that she’ll eventually turn against him.

PS: I think I may have commitment issues.

(The following was written for online listings magazine The Skinny, check out the link above)

No sooner had I read this month’s theme, it started. All my repressed memories of my school days started popping like giant acne in my brain.

Being skinnier than a super model with pig flu, my hair was cut by our neighbours “hairdresser” friend, my clothes were all hand-me-downs, combined with the NHS glasses I wore because my parents were too cheap to buy me cool specs, I looked like a puss faced, pubeless, mojo-free Austin Powers. I was the anti-Fonze.

I played drums in the school band, I did well in exams and was appalling at all sports. If there were a polar opposite point of being cool, I would have been standing right beside it with a goofy grin on my face.

School just wasn’t fun, your voice cracking to make you sound like burst dog toy; not having any money to pay for your desired independence; every adult telling you what was right for you and that you could do much better if you just “tried harder”, and the whole time your only hope was that no-one had noticed your 78th rogue erection of the day and that you wouldn’t be the last virgin in your class.

Anyone that says “my school days were the best of my life” should be dragged from their homes, by their nasal hair, and then drowned in lukewarm, lumpy, canteen custard for being a parasite to society. If, after leaving the confines and rules of the classroom, when given the opportunity to explore the world and all it has to offer, with unrestricted freedom to discover and realise your potential; if after this liberty is yours for the taking, you create no better memories than puking in your mates family sink after too much cheap cider, or groping a girl at the high school Christmas dance, then you, Sir/Madam, have failed and need to apologise to everyone for accomplishing less in your life than a three legged dog with no balls.

Or maybe I have childhood issues and need to speak to someone about them.