Just got home from ASDA and I’ve now officially got everything in for the big day.

It’s madness out there! I thought I’d developed the power of invisibility as respectable members of the community barged through me with their trollies. Sweet old ladies ducking and diving to jump one person in front of the queue while kids are being beaten like raw steak “for asking”!

But now, I’m home safe and away from the ninja-grannies, I’m getting all excited about the “arrival” of that big bearded bad-ass. I’m an unashamedly huge Christmas fan – mainly because it’s the one time of the year that I try to put my

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Today is the last day of a very strange week, I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather, but I just seem to have ended up in really strange scenarios all week.

Tuesday night I hosted the new act night at the Stand. Great night all but for one thing. At new act nights, I work hard at the start to set the tone, ensuring that every act gets a fair chance and no one gets heckled. Only for one of the acts to mock me from the stage with a cheap jibe about “a guy that talks about sex that much can’t be a virgin”. But I suppose after he spent 5 minutes trying to do “clever” material on Saints, only to eventually get his first laugh when making a fat jibe about Michelle McManus, he must have realised that being cheap and childish was all he had to offer.

Wednesday I hosted a night at the Victoria bar in Glasgow. On arrival it seemed to be a nice pub, but as soon as the show started I realised I was looking at a room where 90% of the audience would have failed auditions for the Adams family on the grounds of being too scary. The whole night consisted of every act committing comedy suicide to a group of people

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I know what you are thinking, “he’s not posted in 13 days, obviously got to day 4 of not drinking and has been on a bender since” – well you are wrong. What actually happened was I didn’t get through in my semi-final of the Scottish Comedian of the Year competition, which broke my no-smoking goal and I’ve been too embarrassed to admit it on here.

Not the non-smoking thing (I frigging love smoking and happily inhale that naughty nicotine), I mean the competition. Not only did I not get through, but I screwed up a few different ways, including tripping over my words worse than Gareth Gates in a spelling contest.

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So far, so good, I have managed to stick to my NO fatty foods, NO booze and NO cigarettes for 3 days. Day 1 was easy, although I went to the opticians for an eye exam (yes I did go to Specsavers) and found it very strange that the lady optician was breathing really heavy when she was in my face, not in a sexy way, was more in a I’ve just climbed 10 flights of stairs way. I also found it very peculiar when she was asking all of her questions in a robotic manor, she had obviously asked the same questions so many times that her voice went on auto-pilot almost like a soothing lady version of Stephen Hawkin.

Day 2 was a little harder, not just because I was gigging, but I was at the Halt Bar and I am a creature of habit. The gig at The Halt bar has always been a night where I smoked through every interval, had a few drinks through the gig and went out to Box afterwards for some amazing white Russians (the drinks, not prostitutes). So throughout the night I felt my

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In an attempt to get back in to shape I’m taking radical steps and dropping a hyphen in to the month. Now unfortunately returning my body from the physically broken is going to take a lot more than some quaint punctuation. I have in fact decided that this will be the month I have NO fatty foods, NO booze and NO cigarettes. Even as I type the words, there are parts of my body screaming NOOOOOOO!

I’m not too worried about cutting out fatty foods, I know my way around a kitchen, but could probably use some tips on low fat meals. The two things I am worried about are:

1-There is a certain type of person on a night out, (usually Scottish) that once they find out there is a non-drinker in the group, they will spend the entire night hell bent on making sure you have a drink so that “you can enjoy yourself”. It’s

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Ok, life got rather serious for a while, but I think I’m back. So let’s go at it with everything we have shall we? Which means I need to be writing a lot more, so let’s start writing this blog again, after all, some people did find it slightly amusing.

A quick recap since the last proper blog, which fizzled out in July last year (with some minor burst of flatulent blogs since). What’s happened?

· Did my first ever solo show at the Edinburgh Fringe 2009 – Hi, my name’s Chris Henry

· Got a 5star review

· Picked up a stalker at the Fringe

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I’ve been campaigning for votes to get myself the last place in the Scottish Sun’s, Take the Mic, competition. Getting the place gives me a chance of winning £12,000 and getting some much needed publicity, so i’ve taken it quite seriously. The thing is, it’s totally screwing with my head.

My natural instinc is to get as many votes as possible, getting myself in an Alpha state of mind, grrr, winner, must get prize, type thing. I’ve been constantly checking not just my votes on facebook and twitter, but checking my competitors too. Spying on their advertising, seeing which of our mutual friends have voted for them and not me (of which I remain silently indignant) all of which feels like a primitive drive and need to win.

On the other side of that, it’s now between me and 4 other comedians that are not just good at what they do, but they are all nice guys. All of them have a drive and passion to entertain audiences and do so succesfully every week. I’ve enjoyed a beer and a blether with them on frequent occasions. 2 of them have been partying with me till stupid o’clock in the morning on a number of drunken adventures.

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Hello there,

The Scottish Sun are running a competition for comedians, where the overall winner could win £12,000 and loads of good press. So being the needy narcissist that wants to be the centre of attention, I’m gagging to win this!

I was pipped to the post at the heats in Glasgow, but there is one place in the final left, which relies on an online vote. This is where I need your help.

There are three ways to vote (doing all three will help me even more, this is where it gets complicated)

First is on twitter, (If you don’t have a twitter account, set one up) if you have an account copy and paste this in to your next tweet -

I’m voting for Chris Henry at @takethemic http://bit.ly/cOqPvm

The second and third way of voting are done on the take the mic website. So click on the link below, then go to the bottom of the page where it says VOTE.

Under the facebook logo, Click the “like” button (it should change colour, then change back)

Then click the “Take The Mic” logo, once you’ve done that, it should then thank you for your vote.

http://www.takethemic.net/comedians/29-chris-henry

If you have already voted, thank you for your support, would be amazing if you could spread the word and get your friends to vote too. Voting closes on Friday at 3pm.

Thanks again from your needy, dirty joke teller,

Chris

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OK people, it’s official I will be in London in October, so I expect to be catching up with a mountain of you when I get down there, will be performing Batersea Highlight on the 22nd and 23rd! Will have more London dates soon, so will keep you posted.

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Why the hell has it taken me till the end of April to write anything on here, what the hell have I been doing? Let’s see, been doing lots of gigs, sold out a show at the Glasgow comedy festival in March, taken up resident compere at a new act night in Glasgow, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Comedy-The-Halt-Bar/339065469736?ref=ts did my first painting since i was in high school, maintained my single status and had lots of drunken adventures. So all in all, not much, this has to change!

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