How are you? I hope that you are ready to talk now. I know we are both hurting but I can’t believe how you’ve just responded to my Valentines email.

In my last email, (I trust you haven’t deleted it, but I shall refresh your memory anyway) I told you of my devastation at how you’ve been treating me lately, telling me that if I wanted something new in the relationship that you’d treat me like everyone else. Spitefully hammering at my heart, revealing that years of being together didn’t warrant any sort of loyalty reward. It was more than I could handle and I tried to put my feelings in to words for you.

But how you’ve responded is just plain spiteful, you really are trying to hurt me aren’t you? You called me up and told me that you got my email, asked me if it was ok to speak, leading me in to a false sense of security, then without even asking how I was doing or saying you missed me, you passed me over to someone else, someone who seemed to relish that they hadn’t even read my email. She didn’t know who I was and had no time for the passions I’d poured in to text.

She asked me how she could help and what new handset I’d like to upgrade to. This harlot had decided to twist the knife further, offering me the 64GB iPhone 4S for £51 a month, which made me think that you have a heart and maybe told her to meet me half way, but oh no, that wasn’t going to include all the perks I enjoy at the moment and you’d charge me £79.99 for the handset. Satisfied that she’d dealt her heart-breaking blow, she was now going for humiliation. Offering me the £61 a month tariff with unlimited calls and texts and the handset would be free. But as soon as the words “handset would be free” were out her mouth, she’d anticipated my excitement and verbally smacked my dreams of you having ever cared from my soul by, “oh no, it’d be £29.99”

What have I done for you to treat me like this? What have I done for you to ask for so much money from me, just for wanting something new? I know times are hard, but I thought we’d get through this together.

I’m incredibly emotional now, can’t believe that hurting me on Valentine ’s Day wasn’t enough for you. Yesterday, I couldn’t even take myself to the cinema to cheer myself up, because it reminded me too much of you. Now it’s Thursday and I just want to sit at home and watch the FILM TO GO, but you’ve used your powers to make this weeks movie “Doubt”, not only a vindictive message to let me know how you feel about our connection, but the story itself is about an ambiguous relationship, touché says my brain, please stop says my heart.

I really don’t want our bond to end, but if you can’t take my concerns seriously or give me any response that lets me see how you feel about me, especially when I’ve made the effort to articulate my emotions, then I really can’t see us being together much longer.

Think about what we’ve been through, think about the good times, think about all the good times we can have in the future. I know you are better than this, don’t let me down.

Love

Chris

I have been an orange customer for a number of years, enticed by your movie promotions (Wednesdays will never be the same again) and remaining loyal through the dwindling humour of the orange cinema adverts (seriously, where the hell did you dig up Emilio Estevez from?) but overall, I’ve enjoyed being part of your gang.

Your team have always been very helpful, through the good times, I felt we had bonded, became more than just customer and provider. You made me feel special.

Now when I realised that my upgrade date was closely arriving, you can imagine how excited I was. I did a huge amount of research on the internet, chatted to people on Facebook about what they’d choose, spoke to my friends in real life about their favourites. I really put the time in to this, because I didn’t want to let you down. You’d been good to me and I wanted to make the right choice for us.

My heart was set on the iPhone 4s, with its 8MP camera, its easy syncing with iTunes and all the beautiful functions, one of them being that I could use your Film To Go promotion more frequently, bringing us closer together. With all the travelling I do, you know I need space for all my music and movies/TV shows on the handset to make sure I’m entertained and not lonely, with all that in mind I decided that the 64GB handset was the best option for us. I knew you’d be proud of my decision making, I’ve grown up a lot since the Nokia 7600 I left 3 mobile with to join you.

Then the big day arrived, oh and surprise surprise it happened to fall on valentine’s day (I knew you’d done this on purpose because you wanted to hear from me and feel my love, you crazy flirt, I love it when you abuse your power like that) and as soon as I woke up, I logged on to use your website and start our Valentine interaction.

I spent the next hour caressing your pages, clicking your buttons and opening your windows. But the website kept sending me back to the home page or my login page then eventually it gave me the message “give us a call”, I thought this can be no coincidence, you really want some 1:1 time with me, some personal contact, I couldn’t pick up my phone fast enough.

My heart racing, my palms sweating, I pressed those three magic numbers, 150, then 1 for mobile phone query, 4 for upgrade options, 1 for upgrade, then two digits from my password, which all seemed a little impersonal because you knew I was going to call, but you know I love foreplay and being teased.

But then another man answered the phone, alarm bells went off in my head. He asked how he could help and I told him what I wanted, I still wanted you to be proud of my decision. To which he wanted to charge me £29.99 for the phone and £61 a month for the tariff and £12 a month for insurance. When I asked if there was any discount for my loyalty, his indifferent tone informed me how his hands were tied by apple and all customers would have to pay the same. Trying not to let him hear my voice breaking, I enquired how much it would be to downgrade from the 64GB to the 32GB, his tone steady like stone notified me that this would be £29.99 for the phone and £51 a month for the tariff. I could hardly contain the tears, not only was orange tearing out my heart with its impersonal service, but it was planning on raping my wallet as well, and you’d sent another man to do your dirty work.

Before I broke down on the call, I hung up, called my mum to tell her how you’d treated me. She hates to hear me cry, so I hope you are happy with the torment you’ve put her through today.  But once I’d calmed down, she said that “these things happen, maybe you shouldn’t expect so much” and that I should call you back to talk some more and see if we can work things out.

When I did call back, dialling 150 and choosing your options seemed colder, more distant, I was hurting.  A lady now answered the phone, I use the term lady loosely as her blunt attitude beat me like teenager with an erection.

I thought the only way to salvage our relationship was to let you see that I didn’t expect so much from you and asked to process the order for the 32GB. But the damage was done, you weren’t going to accept my humble approach, instead this girl threw a million numbers at me, telling me it would cost me hundreds of pounds to get this phone, numbers were coming at me for all the different plans and tariffs, it was like listening to an auctioneer, the prices going up and up. The best that she could do for the 32GB was the £51 tariff but it would cost me £79.99 as a one off payment. Which wasn’t what I’d been told before, you were determined to hurt me, weren’t you? Then to twist the knife a little deeper, she started talking about the 16GB iPhone. That was the final straw. It all got too much for me and I had to go and I hung up.

This is why I’m writing, because it would break my heart to call again and have you humiliate me like that once more. I’m hoping that you can recognise the loyalty I’ve given you and see it in your heart to help us stay together. I don’t want to move on, I know no one else will ever be as good as you, so let’s try and work this out. What can you do to help us stay together?

Most of us have such a strong connection with the music we listen to that we place value in how it represents us a person. We accumulate our choices based on its connection with moments in our life, who it reminds us of, where we were, how it made us feel.  A product of your peers/influences/experiences, every track purchased an expression of your individuality, a part of your history.

Yes, the rise of the mp3 player has the masses consolidating our collections to cold digital 1’s and 0’s, giving us access to every track wherever we are.  The hardware, in turn, letting folks download their dishonest music, removing the shame of having dirty black market copied cd’s hiding at the end of a proud collection.

But a proud collection it is. We want those original albums displayed neatly next to each other, some of us going to great lengths to ensure meticulous order on our shelves, each album cover imprinted on our life. We want our friends to be impressed with the character in its content. We want it to help find common ground with our love interests. As we get older, we want those memories in reach and hopefully pass on.

While mp3 sites (illegal or otherwise) are great for getting a quick fix for what’s happening right now. It’ll never replace our kinaesthetic need for hard copies of the things we love. We want to pay for the music we are attached to, we want to support the artists that have imprinted themselves, all we ask from the record industry is to help us afford to.

That’s right, when you are signing up you’ll pretty much be asked,

Sales rep – “So sir, you’ve signed up for our biggest internet package, which will download music and movies so quickly that they’ll arrive on your computer before you’ve requested them. Internet so fast that it defies time. Now sir, with that sort of download speed, will you be planning on using the internet to have a wank?”

Me – “You’re damn fucking right I am!”

Hopefully the scenario will have you ticking a box on the application instead of being asked to your face, which is the less intrusive equivalent of hiding your condoms in with the rest of your shopping.

The proposed move is in response to 79% of female voters calling for better restrictions on the internet, due to the “bombarding of homes and children and spam to unprecedented degrees.”

These people make it sound like you can’t go on the internet without your eyes being assaulted by vaginas. No one is logging on to do their Tesco shop, clicking on melons and being hyperlinked to lesbian orgies… Are they? (If you are, let me know).

We’re hardly bombarded are we? Yes, I’ll get a daily email that offers me the chance to double the size of my banana, and I get the odd email that claims Maria has checked out my profile online and wants to get to know me over private message… All I had to do is follow a link and put in my card details, YEAH RIGHT! (I only fell for that once).

Apart from those emails, I rarely get any spam and my internet security is good enough that I don’t get pop-ups. I’m not a victim of this blitzkrieg. Like most people, if I want videos that will inspire pelvic blood flow, I have to look for them and, unashamedly, look for them I do.

I think the reason women think that we are being “bombarded” is because their male partners are being less than honest. When guys get caught having a wee peak and a pocket shuffle, instead of admitting that they’ve been caught red handed (fnar fnar), they’ll claim it was a pop-up and be overly indignant to hide their “crime”.

Ladies I emplore you, don’t make these changes, I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I can soil my socks in the privacy of my own home, without searching for inspiration in bushes, or waking my mother with the dial up connection as nudey ladies revealed themselves line by line like a sexy game of snake. Although the catholic church classes it as self harm, I’m not hurting anyone and there is scientific proof that suggests it’s good for me, so please, leave my porn alone.

(if you are reading this at work, please don’t blame me for giving you the overwhelming urge to look at porn which then results in you being fired)

Hi there,

Being a bit of a geek and a giant movie fan, I’ve been reading Empire for years, loving both its candid reviews and tongue in cheek style.

On the 4th of July I received an email from Cineworld, as a holder of one of their Unlimited cards (told you, big movie geek) I was being offered a chance to receive a free copy of Empire, news that played both to my eternal cinematic lust and my stereotypical Scottish thriftiness.

I called the number provided (0845 286 3171) completely hiding my eagerness, I coolly asked the operator to take my details and send me my free copy. The operator, like an angel of generosity, instinctively sensed my glee at such an offer and presented me the chance to subscribe to the magazine, not at RRP, oh no, she seduced me with the bargain of the first 3 issues only costing me £1. £1???? That doesn’t even get you a double cheeseburger in McDonalds! How could I possibly refuse?

Wiping the drool from my phone and taking a seat before my legs gave way; I confessed my bank details to this saint. At this point, I was gone, lost in my fantasies of receiving Empire subscriber only covers, reading my issues knowing I had a bargain, reading it before average Joe, no longer queuing at WH Smiths and buying their confectionery for “a pound today”. This was the world I was soon to live in.

Whilst in this idyllic state of mind, the operator seized another opportunity to take advantage of my innocence and offer me the same £1 offer for three issues of FHM (a magazine for boys to look at nearly naked ladies without their mum thinking it’s porn) at the age of 33 and without presences of mind, I shamefully admit, I accepted this offer too.

I came off the phone smiling, thinking my day had been incredibly productive, made a cup of tea, some toast and blackcurrant jam and sat enjoying them whilst watching Back to the Future, then went about my life, patiently waiting for my magazines to arrive.

Two weeks passed and nothing arrived at my home. The postman seemed as perplexed as I was about the problem, apparently he had received nothing from you to give to me (he’s a very happy chap, always whistling, which makes me trust him). So I decided to call the number again and speak to the virtuous worker that had sold me my dreams.

This time however, the operator I spoke to was no light of hope spreading her joy in my ear, instead it seemed, that in the time since our last chat, life had broken her. I could hear the pain of unpaid bills in her voice, feel her craving to make it through to her next cigarette break and smell the stains of broken dreams emanating from her pours. “Yeah, we’ve had a few people call up about that, it can take a few weeks, we can’t even check your details ‘cause it’s on a different system.”

Not wanting to cause this poor woman any further pressure in her day, I accepted her words as truth, thanked her for her time, hung up the phone and went (again) about my life, patiently waiting for the whistling postman to deliver my delights.

Time passed, the seasons changed but my letter box was never fed a meal of Empire or FHM. So today (14/9/2011), I decided to burden the operator once more. She was quick to reiterate that “we don’t keep your details here, but I could give you a number to call Bauer Media and you can see if they have your details”, a relief to us both that we would never need to speak again. I then called the number (08451204600) and spoke to Amy, who asked me my name and address and cheerily informed me that there was no record of me on the system. How could this woman be so happy that my dream world had just been consumed in to a black hole with her words?

Amy told me that these details could often take 8 weeks to transfer (as we are at 10 weeks since my initial phone call, I assumed her talent for mathematics may have been partly the reason for her occupation in a call centre and her mean spirited destroying of dreams) but did tell me if I subscribed today, I could get the first three issues for £1, but the free issues was no longer available. I didn’t want to show my weakness on the phone, so said I would call back another time, hung up the call, and cried.

Drying my eyes and nose with Kleenex balsam tissues (they have aloe vera in them to prevent drying your skin) I decided to look at your website, in the hope I could subscribe there without speaking to another cruel hearted operator. Although movies have taught me never to trust machines, on this occasion I was willing to believe they couldn’t be worse than the humans. I never dreamed I could be so wrong.

Not only does your online subscription not offer the £1 deal, but if I subscribe online I get a free game for something called an Xbox or a Playstation. I am a simple movie fan, I don’t know what these games are, but the names of the consoles lead me to conclude they can only be for pornographic purposes.

Why would a movie fan be seduced to subscribe by offering them games? Surely it would be a much more logical carrot for the donkey, if you offered a movie related bounty for their subscription?

Anyway, I just wanted to inform you of my experiences and thoughts on this process and how it has affected me emotionally. I hope to hear back from someone in your establishment with an explanation on why I have never received anything from you and why you don’t offer cinema related gifts for online subscribers.

Yours sincerely,

Chris Henry

• Kirk: What do you do with it? Canteen Assistant: You vulcan eat with it!
• “The perfect tool for putting a death grip on a chicken”
• “It’s a fork Jim, but not as we know it”
• Spock: How is this going to stop terrorism? it’s not logical captain.
• Spock: No captain, they are not related to me!
• Scotty: If you break off the two middle prongs, it looks like Spock, without the stick in his arse!
• Kirk: We seem to be in a spork of bother. Bones: This is no time for jokes Jim!

I think I might need to go outside for some fresh air, or spend time with “other” people.

Hi ASOS “Customer Care” Robot,

I have recently sent you a few emails to enquire when I can expect to receive my parcel, your replies thus far have had about as much clarity as an Alzheimer patients dinner plans, but since you have been so obliging with random answers I thought I’d drop you another email to see what your magic 8 ball said today.

As my previous emails have stated (I am sure you have now used these to line the litter tray for your delightful robocat) my parcel was sent by yourselves to an address, then on to a post office in Kingston upon Thames, with me living in Scotland it is proving a little difficult for me to collect.

Now I realise I am probably being lazy and should make the effort to complete the 840 mile round trip journey, therefore saving you any further inconvenience with my enquiry. But sadly I am in the process of watching my carbon footprint and would hope that as a “customer care” robot you see this as a logical lifestyle choice.

The ultimate solution is for my package to arrive at (home address here) at some point while the clothes are still fashionable, but since the order was due to arrive on the 17^th of January, I am now running of the risk of them arriving and having no choice but to donate them to a museum for future generations to enjoy.

In the hope you will forward my email to a person that uses oxygen as a means of capitalising brain function, I would love to hear confirmation my enquiry is being dealt with and when in fact I can expect my delivery. Alternatively, one more role from your magic 8 ball may just be what I need to break my spirit, therefore ruining my carbon footprint and rampaging around the world not giving a damn about the future.

Kind regards,

Chris Henry

1 – Make Specsavers change their slogan.

I realise that the catchphrase is somewhat beguiling and have no doubt it has worked wonders in circulating and promoting the brand. But as a glasses/contacts wearer I am nearing the point of violence when I hear a squanderer-of-oxygen, chirp the words in their overly confident, yet monosyllabic tone.

So for once and for all, I beg everyone on this planet to visit their nearest store, even just to pop in, have a look around, and then leave. Therein giving us all a short, sharp, dart of honesty. A spear of truth that will find its way to the core of this indignantly infectious verbal parasite.

That’s right, for after your visit, whenever you hear those shrill words from your local vendor of less than ironic mirth ”should have gone to Specsavers” – you can look them dead in the eye, expressionless and coldly respond “I did”.

2 – Make Facebook more interesting

Another group of people that grate on my consciousness like toenails in a hotel bed, the collection of our world that continue to post cerebral flatulence as their status updates on facebook.

You know the populace of which I speak. The sort that continue to write about things so tedious and insignificant, you wonder how they summon up the will power to get out of bed and tap their prose in to existence. The people that tell us that their kids have colds/skint knees/bruised elbows and expect their friends to think something other than, “so what, they are fucking kids!” Come on, spice it up, write something worth reading!

You are being highly delusional if you think anyone cares to read that “Mitsy has cut her paw” unless of course Mitsy is a Koala you stole from the Zoo and she cut her appendage standing on a shard of glass from the table you broke whilst having an orgy with the cast of the Real Hustle (obviously the American guy was holding the camera).

So in order to make facebook more interesting, and shut down these words of emptiness, the phrases of nothingness that waste valuable seconds of our days, the written screen jobbies, like “sausages for tea, yummy” or “sitting in my jammies” or “in work ” or “bored”, simply leave a comment that says “Thanks for sharing”, they’ll eventually get the message. If they persist, just delete them!

3 – Change “tickets on sale” to “Sold Out”

Told you there was a cheeky plug, Get your tickets for Genderation X at the Glasgow Comedy Festival on sale now

http://www.ticketsoup.com/tickets/chris-henry-genderation-x-2011-12190/default.aspx

Now wash your armpits and get out there to make 2011 a smashing one!

January First pic of the year, celebrating Hogmany witht the two Kev’s (Like the two Ronnies, but more grumpy than funny). First gig of the year with Des Clarke and the Wee Man at the Shed in Shawlands.



Febrary: Pic from a photo shoot with Kevin Gilmour. Then me at Club Noir’s Valentines Ball with Lyndsay Pagan and Julia Sutherland

March: Solo show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival and a nice chocolate bar that a lovely lady bought me. Oh and I started my really uncool obsession with getting my photo taken with anyone remotely celebrity that I saw (ft Lee Mack)

April: My first painting since high school, I have no idea what it is supposed to be, except for a lesson in why not to drink and paint!

May: The introduction of the new Pop-Up Comedy logo. I am extremely grateful for the gigs that Malky has given me this year. You should add yourself to their facebook page! POP-UP COMEDY CLICK HERE

June: Me at The Sun’s Take the Mic “competition” and an article from the “paper”.

July: The World Cup (can’t remember who I was supporting), Charity night I helped organise for SAVI and me and the boys celebrating my Birthday and strange D’Artagnan beard (I don’t know why, I just grew it).

August: Found my new comedy home in London (Comedy Cafe) where all the staff rock and made me feel really welcome. Then some pics of some cool people I met at the Fringe, including someone who convinced me to climb to the top of Arthurs seat at 4am! More sad celeb pics, Reg D Hunter (cool, cool, VERY COOL) and Jack Whitehall (I interupted him talking to two girls for this pic, you can see, he is not cool about it)

September: Billy Kirkwood and I start camping it up back stage at the QMU, getting ourselves ready to warm up for Milton Jones.

October: Joined the Annual Butlins reunion and am here posing with my old boss Robert Maxwell. The other is me out at Halloween with a nice young lady. (That’s supposed to be her make up, I did not spunk in her face)

November: The last heat of the last competition I will ever enter. Then me with Craig Campbell, backstage at Highlight in Glasgow.

DECEMBER: The snow hits Scotland, I get an awesome jumper for Christmas and tickets for GENDERATION X go on sale!

I’ve had an amazing year and these pictures don’t even begin to show how much fun I’ve had or the amount of cool people I’ve had the pleasure of working/partying with this year. So before the year ends, in an end of year/oscar acceptance speech style, I need to raise my glass to a few people worth mentioning:-

-I’d like to thank my family for supporting me, putting up with my moods and kicking me in the arse when needed.

-To Paul and Kev, thank you for never letting me forget that I will never be as funny as my friends. Special thanks to Kevin Gilmour, who without his expertise I would not exist in the cyber world and would be using pictures from my Grannies throw away cameras. You’ve made some people believe I might be professional.

-To “BOX” in Glasgow, thank you for all the awesome White Russians you’ve helped me consume.

-To every promoter that has given me the opportunity to perform at their venues, thank you for letting this guy live his dream for a little longer.

-For everyone that has been kind enough to offer me a bed when I’ve been trundling around the UK, thank you for your selfless generosity and I hope the stains came out of the sheets.

-To everyone that has came to see my solo shows, or gigs, said a kind word after I’ve performed or shaken my hand as I came off stage, thank you for your encouragement. Without an audience, I’d just be a deranged fool, in an empty room, laughing at myself, thanks for making my life less weird.

See you all in the new year!