Here’s the deal, I’m bored on the train and was reading The Guardian and read that the Tories are to introduce new legislation which means when signing up to an internet provider we will have to answer in the positive that we would like to receive adult content.

That’s right, when you are signing up you’ll pretty much be asked,

Sales rep – “So sir, you’ve signed up for our biggest internet package, which will download music and movies so quickly that they’ll arrive on your computer before you’ve requested them. Internet so fast that it defies time. Now sir, with that sort of download speed, will you be planning on using the internet to have a wank?”

Me – “You’re damn fucking right I am!”

Hopefully the scenario will have you ticking a box on the application instead of being asked to your face, which is the less intrusive equivalent of hiding your condoms in with the rest of your shopping.

The proposed move is in response to 79% of female voters calling for better restrictions on the internet, due to the “bombarding of homes and children and spam to unprecedented degrees.”

These people make it sound like you can’t go on the internet without your eyes being assaulted by vaginas. No one is logging on to do their Tesco shop, clicking on melons and being hyperlinked to lesbian orgies… Are they? (If you are, let me know).

We’re hardly bombarded are we? Yes, I’ll get a daily email that offers me the chance to double the size of my banana, and I get the odd email that claims Maria has checked out my profile online and wants to get to know me over private message… All I had to do is follow a link and put in my card details, YEAH RIGHT! (I only fell for that once).

Apart from those emails, I rarely get any spam and my internet security is good enough that I don’t get pop-ups. I’m not a victim of this blitzkrieg. Like most people, if I want videos that will inspire pelvic blood flow, I have to look for them and, unashamedly, look for them I do.

I think the reason women think that we are being “bombarded” is because their male partners are being less than honest. When guys get caught having a wee peak and a pocket shuffle, instead of admitting that they’ve been caught red handed (fnar fnar), they’ll claim it was a pop-up and be overly indignant to hide their “crime”.

Ladies I emplore you, don’t make these changes, I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I can soil my socks in the privacy of my own home, without searching for inspiration in bushes, or waking my mother with the dial up connection as nudey ladies revealed themselves line by line like a sexy game of snake. Although the catholic church classes it as self harm, I’m not hurting anyone and there is scientific proof that suggests it’s good for me, so please, leave my porn alone.

(if you are reading this at work, please don’t blame me for giving you the overwhelming urge to look at porn which then results in you being fired)